Emmett and His Adventures
by belmo18
Summary: What happens when a bored Emmett babysits the human? HE TOOK THE VOLVO! He's a Barbie girl? Edward had a blond moment? Lots of laughs and random Emmett moments. Read to find out how exactly Alice gets painted purple! Oh no. Emmett! My first fan fiction!
1. Beyonce and Bella

**AN: Okay, people. This is my first fanfiction and/or anything like it. I'm nervous. But flames and advice ARE welcome. Praise would be great. Emmett might sound odd because I'm keeping this pg rated. Please review. Disclaimer: I own nothing Twilight-related. All songs also do not belong to me. Volvo brand doesn't belong to me or Snickers bars. *sighs* At least I have you guys!...not that I own you either.....

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Chapter 1- Beyonce and Bella EmPOV

I groaned. Man, I was SO bored! Everyone had gone hunting and left without me. Without ME! How can they even live a SECOND without my fantastic jokes and singing?! I sure can't. I bet Bella wouldn't leave me when she is a vampire.

Bella! That's it! I'm gonna babysit the human! Hahaha, this will be fun. I jumped up and down, squealing. I couldn't wait! I clapped my hands together ecstatically.

Whoa, Emmett. Stop hanging out with Alice. I was disturbed at myself. I had squealed. I shuddered. Stupid annoying giraffe-hating pixie.

[at Bella's driveway]

I hoped Alice wouldn't tell Eddie that I was driving his Volvo. Well, drove. I smirked as I shut the driver's door, heading to the house. Beavers-build-a-dam! What if she told Eddie that I was going to tease the human?! I'd be dead! Well, I already am. DUH. Vampire. I smacked my forehead, as I slammed the front door of Bella's house open. I giggled. I could've had a V8!

I saw Bella jump a mile high, and I snickered, causing her to blush. Same old Bella. She put a hand over her frantic heart, not that it helped. I snorted.

"What are you doing here, Emmett?" She asked finally, her brow creasing in confusion. "What?" I gasped, pretending to be deeply offended. "Can a big brother not visit his sister? What kind of cruel, dark world is it when I have to call before visiting family"

Bella looked down, guilt etched in her face. "Sorry, Em." She murmured. "I thought you were here to prank me." She flushed. She mumbled an apology.

I wanted to laugh. She was so easily swayed. Man, she was gullible. It was almost too easy. "Now, why would I want to trick my little sister?" I questioned innocently. "Why the double-hockeysticks would I do that"

"Double-hockeysticks?" She laughed, giggling like a drunk hyena. Hmm...I wonder if Eddie would be REALLY upset if I gave Bells achohol. I shook off the thought. The pixie definitely would tell Edward. Ugh.

Bella cleared her throat and her face was expectant. Huh? Oh right! "Uh, well, I lost a bet." She laughed. "Now I can't cuss." I pouted. "How long?" She could barely speak through her snickers. Ooooh, yummy, a Snickers bar. Yum! I secretly LOVED those delicious pieces of heaven. I swear angels carved those things. I mean how else would-

"Emmett!!" Bella shouted, pulling me out of my train of thought. "Emmett, how long until you can swear again? Who'd you lose to"

"Stupid pixie." I mumbled. "She gave me a choice: no cussing or no Beyonce music. What was I to do?" She looked shocked.

"You. Chose. BEYONCE. Over. CUSSING! Oh my Go-"

"Golly gumdrops!" I interrupted. "Sorry. I can't hear or speak it. And using His name in vain counts"

"Wow." Was all she said. "Alice really got you good"

I grimaced. "I know. Stupid pixie." I sighed. "So...what do you wanna do, Bells?" I grew excited. "Wanna play Candyland? Do you? Do you? Puh-leeeaaase?" I pouted my bottom lip out and made my eyes really big.

Bella's face softened. Then she groaned. "I don't want to, Em. I'm in the middle of something. Sorry, but the world doesn't revolve around you"  
It didn't? My face fell. Really? I can't believe Rose lied to me! Ugh! The world seriously didn't revolve around me? How depressing. Leave it to Bella, the logical smarta-um, smart...smart...smart alligator! Yup, smart alligator. Whew, that was a close one! Why is Bella waving her hand in front of me face?

"Jeez, Em. Get a grip. You look like someone ran over your puppy"

"WHAT!?" I roared, causing her to jump. "WHO THE HE...double-hockeysticks...RAN OVER MY PUPPY!? WHO EVEN BOUGHT ME A DA- darn -PUPPY!? WHO DID IT, BELLA!? Was it that TOTAL BI- ugh. Was it that total...billboard...Mike Newton? Or was it dear old Eddie? Or.....IT WAS YOU"

"What!?" She choked out.

"IT'S ALWAYS THE QUIET ONES, BELLA!! ALWAYS THE QUIET ONES!!" I was so beavers-build-a-dam angry! What gave her the right to kill the puppy she bought for me!? I growled.

"Emmy?" Bella asked, her voice trembling. Her brown eyes were really wide with fright. "It's an expression. There was never a puppy. It's a simile, a metaphor, and not literal"

I thought about that. "Oh." I grinned. "Oops." I cocked my head. I heard a radio playing my favorite song. I sang along. "'CAUSE YOU'RE HOT THEN YOU'RE COLD! YOU'RE YES THEN YOU'RE NO. YOU'RE IN THEN YOU'RE OUT. YOU'RE UP AND YOU'RE DOWN. YOU'RE WRONG WHEN IT'S RIGHT. IT'S BLACK AND IT'S WHITE"

Then song abruptly ended, and a new one played. I giggled, clapping excitedly. Beyonce! "If you like it you shoulda put a ring on it. Uh uh oh. Uh uh oh. If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it!" I wiggled my fingers while dancing. "Oh oh ohh!" I rocked my body side-to-side, and swung my arms to the beat. "All the single ladies! Now put your hands up!" I put my hands up. I wasn't going to ignore Beyonce! " Uh uh oh! If you like it you shoulda put a ring on it! YEAH"

The song ended, and I paused because of the commercials. Bella's jaw was dropped. "Holy S"

"Holy mackerel." I corrected. "Naughty Bella." I taunted.

"Oh my gumdrops." She whispered. "Is he on something illegal"

"NOPE!" I exclaimed happily. "I just LOOOOOOOOVE BEYONCE!" I pondered this. "She's not as hot as Rose is, though. But I don't have posters of Rose above my bed. But Rose is sexy..."

"EW!" Bella shrieked. "Emmett, that's gross. Come on, and shut up"

I shrugged. "Hey Bella!?" I asked, hyper. I had the BESTEST idea in the world! "What?" She asked warily, her eyes narrowing in suspicion and annoyance. I grinned evilly. "How about a trip to our house? Trust me, Eddie will appreciate it"

"Edward's there?" She asked hopefully as her heart rate sped up. "Uh, no." I admitted and her face fell. "But his things are"

"So?" She asked, confused.

"You'll see." I spoke ominously. "You'll see.

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**~ What do you think? Please review. Was that too long and random? Hmmm.... Please don't kill me! Sorry for the slowness. It IS the first chapter. It'll get better. So keep tuning in....or else.  
Me: Emmett, you know what to do if they don't tune in.  
Em: Hug them to death?  
Me: ....sure, Em. Sure. *rolls eyes*  
Em: YAY! I got it right!  
Me: .  
Em: So, review people!

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	2. Barbie and Emmett?

**I know it's not as funny this time, but keep reading cause I' working on it really hard. Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, Barbie, or the songs mentioned. If you guys truly love me, in a friendly way, you'll laugh. LAUGH!  
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Chapter 2- Barbie and EMMETT?

EmPOV:

I was SOOOOO excited! Bella and I were heading to the house. I couldn't wait to put my plan into action! Mwahahaha! Eddie and Bella will be surprised at my genius abilities! Bella crossed her arms, sighing. Oh right. She didn't know yet. Oh well. She'll have to wait. I'm sure she'll thank me later.

I floored on the gas, pulling out of the driveway super quickly. I was as fast as lightening! WHOOSH! I chuckled, but then I remembered I had a human in the car. I glanced at Bella. She was absolutely terrified! Her wide eyes were about to pop out of her head. I sighed, letting the speedy-thing drift to seventy miles per hour. She relaxed a bit, but she was still very tense. Jeez! How slow did I need to go? (AN: That rhymes!) I frowned as I slowed down the FIFTY miles an hour. FIFTY! My mother could run faster than this! Oh right, she was a vampire. Oops. That didn't count.

"Thank you, Emmy." Bella sighed. Her heartbeat slowed down to a normal pace, and I smiled.

"Sure thing, Bells." I turned on the radio, and I recognized the song immediately. "I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world! Life in plastic; it's fantastic. You can brush my hair! Undress me everywhere. Imagination! Life is your creation"

Bella stared at me, her jaw was dropped and her eyes were very wide. "Are you serious, Emmett?" She asked incredulously.

"It's a great song!" I defended. "It's a great song for LITTLE GIRLS." She corrected. "Nope." I argued, popping the "p." I sighed. "Do I LOOK like a little girl to you, Bella?" I questioned, exasperated. She giggled before bursting out laughing. She went on like that for about, I dunno, TEN WHOLE MINUTES! "Bella? What is WRONG with you?" I doubted her sanity. Trust Eddie to pick the loony ones.

"Emmett," She wheezed, "you most certainly do NOT look like a little girl!" Was that all she was laughing over? I mean, come on. That wasn't THAT funny. I seen much, much- OH!

A SQUIRREL! Look how it runs! I laughed at the poor squirrel scampering in circles. It had such a bushy tail! But it didn't have an acorn! WHY NOT!? I thought all squirrels had acorns. Weird. I guess that wasn't true. EVERYTHING I KNOW IS A LIE!! Oh, we were at the house. That was fast for the rate we were going. I guess time flies when you're babysitting a human. That IS the saying, right? Hmm. I'll ask Carlisle later.

"Come on, Bella!" I gushed excitedly. I swung her over my shoulder like a potato sack. Then I ran up into Eddie's room with her. I flopped her down on his couch.

"Okay, Bella," I began to explain, "touch everything in here. I mean EVERYTHING"

"Why?" She was beyond confused. I sighed internally.

"So that when Eddie comes home, he smells you. Then he'll want to spend more time with you. Duh." I was very patient considering her blank face. "He loves your scent. When his whole room smells like you, he'll want to smell the original aroma, you. This will get you more time with him. When he's away, I can do my awesome prank!"

"Oh." Bella simply stated.

"Just kiss everything I throw at you. Ready?" She nodded. So I threw her his favorite shirt. Her lips pressed against it, while her nose deeply inhaled. She tossed the shirt back, and I gave her a pair of Eddie's boxers. She blushed a DEEP red as she quickly threw it back to me. I sighed.

"Bella." I scolded. "Everything." Then I handed her Edward's jacket. "Put this on; it'll drive him mad." She slipped it on and rolled up the sleeves. Then a light bulb went off in my head.

"Bella," I began slowly. "Why don't you go around the room and rub against the walls, the books, the music, the closet, and especially his couch. It'll be faster than handing it to you"

She silently obeyed. Bella brushed against every single thing Edward owned. When she got to the couch, she buried herself inside it. Snuggling deeply into the black leather, she moaned.

"What?" I asked, concerned. "Are you alright"

She colored like a ripe tomato. "It smells like him." She mumbled. She thrust her nose against the material and sniffed. "Mmm...He smells delicious. Don't you agree, Em"

Okay. This was WAY beyond awkward. I couldn't say anything, yes or no, because it would upset her. Yes would make me sound like I loved Eddie in that way. No would hurt her feelings. "Er, Bella? Could you, um, you know, get up now? We're done smelling his room up"

She hesitated before taking one last whiff. Then she stood, her knees wobbly. I didn't want to know if it was because of Edward's scent.

[later in Edward's car]

"Hey, hey, you, you! I know that you like me! No way, no way, I know; it's not a secret! Hey hey, you, you! I want to be your girlfriend!" I screamed on the top of my lungs. This was SO much fun! "Please turn the radio off." Bella whispered, her eyelids drooping. Huh. Was she tired already? I pondered this. Then her heartbeat slowed down and her breathing was more evenly spaced. She was asleep. Then, a few minutes later, I heard it. "Edward." She mumbled, turning. "Edward"

I grinned. The talking was starting! I wondered if I should record her or not. I decided to as I pulled my video recorder out of my pocket.

"Edward, I love you." She mumbled. Woah. She loves him. I can't believe Eddie doesn't know this. Or did he? "Edward, don't be mad...Emmett is stupid....didn't know better." She tossed over so I could see her face. Her expression was a cross of innocence and bewilderment. "Emmett?" She called. I was tempted to answer her. "Did you paint my pineapple? How could you tickle my coffee before I slapped it?" WHAT!? I burst out laughing, startling her awake. Her eyes narrowed into slits. "Emmett." Her voice was slurred with sleepiness and anger. "What the HE"

"Double-hockeysticks." I whispered, covering her mouth with my hand. "What the squirrels was I doing? Bella," I began with a serious face. Inside I was grinning with amusement. "Bella, I was only realizing my undeniable love for you. I love you, Bells"

She looked aghast. "What-the-wait-huh-no-I....ugh." She stuttered in confusement. She covered her face with her hands. "Oh NO! This CANNOT be happening." She looked up, worry in her eyes and frown. "Emmett, I'm sorry, but I don't...please, I don't want to...sorry but I...Edward...and me...we...." I boomed out laughing, causing the flabbergasted Bella to be even more frazzled.

"Bella, Bella, Bella." I chuckled. "I was only JOKING!" I smiled impishly as realization sunk into her features. She smacked my arm, and I heard a crunch.

"Oh, beavers-build-a-dam!" I exclaimed, upset that I hurt the human. Eddie will kill me! Oh, wait. VAMPIRE, Emmett. DUH! Whoa. Deja vu.  
Bella whimpered as I tried to lift her hand to inspect it. "Not broken." I announced to her disbelief. She raised her eyebrows. "Seriously. It isn't broken. Just a bit...fractured"

"Are you sure?" She questioned doubtfully.

"Yes! I'm sure! Jeez, Bella. I've learned this from Carlisle AND Eddie." She giggled. "He doesn't like to be called that"

I grinned a wide smirk. "I know. But he doesn't hear it when he's not here"

"Emmett, get the h!!! out of my car." Edward growled, right beside the window. "And get the h!!! away from my Bella"

"Oh no." I muttered as I turned off the recorder, "#%$."

**~ Oops, Emmett cussed. Big time. What will Eddie- er, Edward -do to Emmett? Hate to leave you hanging, but there it is. Any suggestions for anything?  
If anyone has a good blond joke, please tell me, no offense to blonds. I'll give you a virtual air hug and love you forever, in a non-creepy friend way. Thanks. :)**


	3. Oh My Golly Gumdrops

**Thanks you guys if you're reading this! I love you all, in a totally friendly and unstalkerish way. Disclaimer: I don't own anything because Stephenie does. I don't own the songs. I don't own Google or the emails I used. (I DO own the embarrassing blond moment...though I'm brunette.) Sorry about switching POVs; it's kinda necessary for this chapter. I'll return to Emmett very soon...unless you guys don't want me to. I'm doing this for you guys, so please share you opinion.**

Chapter 3- Oh My Golly Gumdrops

EdPOV:

I was furious with my oaf of a brother! How DARE he hurt my Bella!? Her hand is BROKEN! Okay, fractured. Same thing. It caused her pain so the specifics didn't really matter. I held my angels hand, hoping to soothe her with the cold touch instead of an ice pack. Her beautiful eyes thanked me silently, and I was dazzled for a moment. (AN: Don't worry, guy fans. I won't get too mushy.) "Don't worry, my Bella." I whispered to her.

"We're almost there." It wasn't true, but she didn't notice.

[at Bella's house]

"Here, love." I scooped her into my arms and carried her upstairs. I gently placed her on her bed, tucking the blankets around her. I ran to get her a glass of water and medicine. I was back in the room before I could say "Willy the whale walks on rocks." She swallowed the pills I handed her.

"Goodnight, Edward." She mumbled as her fatigue drowned over her. "Goodnight." I murmured as I kissed her soft forehead. Her breathing told me she fell asleep already. (AN: Lucky girl; I have Insomnia)

I expected to be entertained by her talking, but she didn't start. I frowned. What was I to do now? My eyes flickered to her ancient computer that was on.

I sat down, and opened Google mail. I signed in as ; I liked my name plain and simple. (AN: I don't know who owns that account, if it exists.) I clicked to chat with Emmett, , typical him. (AN: Ditto from earlier.)

**_Em: Hola._  
Ed: Hello.  
_Em: So, how's the human?_  
Ed: *glares* in pain Em: I'm sorry, man.  
Ed: ....*ignores*  
_Em: Hey, do you know why my chat picture isn't showing up? I just added it today._  
Ed: Try logging out then back in.  
_Em: Okay._  
muscleboy logged out.  
**

I tapped my fingers impatiently. Where was Emmett? It should have taken mere second, yet it has been two minutes already! I randomly began a one-sided conversation with myself.

**Ed: Emmett, where are you?  
Ed: Seriously, I know you're slow, but really. Come on.  
Ed: Emmett, get your butt on this computer and chat. Ed: *sighs* I guess you're not coming. I'll check back in about five minutes.  
**

I stood up and walked over to Bella. I stroked her luscious brown hair so softly that she didn't stir. I checked my watch. Wow, time flies when you're in love; it had already been five minutes- it was 4:46. I hopped back into the chair.

**Ed: You there, Emmett?  
Ed: ...COME ON! SERIOUSLY?  
Ed: Emmett, you're driving me crazy. Just sign in already!  
Ed: Emmett, you a!!, get on the computer.  
Ed: *growls* Emmett. Get on NOW!  
Ed: I'll take away all your Beyonce music!!  
**

I sighed and accidentally clicked the mouse. It landed on the refresh button, and the page refreshed. All of a sudden Emmett was online. But wait, there was a little one-sided chat with himself at...4:23? What? He wasn't on then. I knew because I had been chatting to myself....Oh! Oh. My. Golly. Gumdrops. I smacked my head.

Stupid old computer! He had been there the whole time, but the computer was so slow it didn't recognize that! When I refreshed, it showed me that he had been there waiting for me while I waited for him. Oh my golly gumdrops! "UGH!" I yelled, annoyed. I was so upset and embarrassed. Emmett would tease me forever! And I meant FOREVER because we were vampires! He would NEVER let me forget this!

I punched the computer screen, and it went black as my fist smashed it. I heard Bella gasp as I crushed the monitor. "My biology essay was on there!" She shrieked. I sighed before realizing what I had done. If I could blush, I would have.

"I'll rewrite it for you." I mumbled, ashamed.

"Nice, Edward." Alice spoke sarcastically as she sat on the windowsill. "Congrats" I groaned as I heard Emmett's booming laughter from outside the window. He would NEVER let me live this down.

**Ah, poor Eddie. I feel his pain. That happened to me. I was SO embarrassed. What an air headed moment. But, you see, I took over eighteen minutes till I refreshed. So I had a pretty lengthy conversation with myself. Oops. *Blushes*  
If anyone has a really good riddle, that would be nice to hear it. Who knows? It may appear later in the story *Cough, cough* But please, keep it pg rated. Thanks. :)**


	4. ADAM, YOU'RE MY HERO!

**I LOVE all my fans!! You guys are the best! Thanks for reviewing! Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or its characters, American Idol, the songs I use, Victoria's Secret, Barbie, Saw 3, Chips Ahoy, or Poptarts. *laughs evilly* Enjoy the mixture of all of those!

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Chapter 4- Adam's My Hero!

EmPOV:

Since Alice and I were at Bella's house already, we decided to have our family television night at Bella's house. Charlie was out fishing, and so the telly was free.

We all settled down on to Bella's small sofa, squeezing like Chips Ahoy, smack dab in the middle! I giggled as Bella flushed when she bumped against my leg accidentally. She mumbled an apology, to my amusement, while squishing into Alice instead. As she turned to say sorry to Alice, she rammed into me. I laughed wildly as she spun to apologize to me, whacking Alice yet AGAIN! She blushed very deeply as she held still, leaning back into the sofa.

"Whose turn is it to pick what we watch?" Alice questioned. Her eyes glazed over as I opened my mouth to speak. "Emmett, we will NOT watch any R-rated movies while Bella is here."

Ah man. "Beavers-build-a-dam." I groaned. I REALLY had wanted to watch Saw 3...

"OH, that reminds me, Em," Edward spoke to me, but he looked directly at Alice. "you broke your deal with Alice when you said a certain f-word."

"Oh, NO!" I exclaimed, terrified.

Alice turned to me, ire in her eyes. "YOU. BROKE. OUR. DEAL!?" She shrieked, her voice hurting my sensitive eardrums. "YOU STUPID FERRET-HATING SON OF A-"

"DON'T insult Esme!" Edward whipped out.

Alice took a shallow breath. "As a forfeit of our deal, you must avoid Beyonce music, cussing, AND your car."

I opened my mouth to protest, but nothing came out.

I was SUPER duper upset. What gave Eddie the right to tattle on me?

"Stupid Emmett." Edward scolded. "My name is EDWARD. And this is revenge for fracturing Bella's hand!"

Huh? How on EARTH did he know I called him Eddie in my thoughts. It was like he read my mind! Oh. Duh. He did.

Edward stared at me, deeply amused.

"Ahem." Bella cleared her throat. Whoa. I had totally forgotten about my little sister. Well, she obviously wasn't my related sister 'cause I was a VAMPIRE. Even the dim-witted would know that we weren't related. It was kind of obvious. I mean, I was this total HUNK of muscle and HUGE! She was so small and fragile. Everything about me screamed BUFF! Everything about Bella screamed human. Psh! Humanity was overrated. I mean, humans didn't get total guns like me! I meant muscle, you know, guns. Not like I would use the offensive trigger weapons. No, I relied on my strength, and only my STRENGTH!

"Emmett? Yoo-hoo? Emmmmeeetttt?" Bella called in a singsong voice, snapping me out of my self praise. "Emmett, what are we watching?" I thought about this. "Hmm…" If R movies were out of the question, what could we watch? I doubted Bella had any Barbie fairy movies or Victoria Secret fashion shows.

Edward chuckled, and I scowled at him. Stupid, privacy invading, annoying mind reader.

Then pure inspiration hit me.

"OH! MY! FLUFFY! SQUIRRELS!" I yelled VERY loudly and Bella flinched. Edward stared daggers at me, but I simply stuck my tongue at him. He could NOT ruin my good mood. Because I knew what to watch.

"AMERICAN IDOL is on TONIGHT!" I screamed. I was SO beavers-build-a-dam excited! Adam was, like, my idol!! I LOVED him, in a totally worshipful, straight way. He was my Gothic HERO!

Bella stared at me confusedly. "So?" She wondered out loud.

WHAT!?! I WAS SO BEAVERS-BUILD-A-DAM ANGRY!! HOW DARE SHE SAY THAT!?

Edward covered Bella's ears just as I began to rant in the loudest voice I have ever used. "HOW THE DOUBLE-HOCKEYSTICKS COULD YOU SAY THAT!? BELLA WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?"

Alice slapped me. OW! DANG, that HURT like going through a wood chipper. I shuddered at the memory.

{flashback}

Rose was beyond angry at me. I stumbled over apologies as she threw sharp objects at my head. I had forgotten our anniversary, and she used very colorful language to tell me so.

I whimpered at her feet, telling her I would do anything to be forgiven. She put me through a flipping WOODCHIPPER! It scarred me for eternity, man. I can't think of wood chippers without shivering.

{end of flashback}

"Ah." Edward spoke calmly and politely, as if I were a stranger. "Alice, Bella, I think Emmett will stop being a moron now. Or else." He turned to me and mouthed, "Wood chipper." I cringed.

"Okay," I talked hastily and quickly, "let's get this party started!" I lunged after the remote, and I flipped the channel to American Idol.

The host, Ryan Seacrest, was acting all hot and cool. I laughed at him. He was nowhere as near as hot or cool as ME! Edward rolled his eyes at my vanity.

"First up," Ryan announced, "is Adam Lambert." I screamed shrilly like a little girl. I clapped my hands together eagerly and bounced up and down on the couch, along with Alice.

"Dang." She said in a strange voice. "He is HOT!"

"Ryan?" I asked. "Yeah, but he's so short."

"NO!" She almost yelled. "Adam is the second hottest guy I've EVER seen! Only Jazzy tops those eyes and that hair." She sighed. "And his sense of style is so amazing, if a little Emo."

Bella looked a bit lost. "What's so great about him?"

My jaw dropped at the same time Alice's did. Luckily Edward answered her for us. "He is the best singer I have EVER heard." He said sincerely, and Bella's eyes grew wide.

"He's THAT good?" She asked.

"Yup." I responded happily. "Listen."

We were all silent as Adam began to sing Disturbia. (**AN: I know he hasn't sung that. I just want him to.)**

"Disturbia. Am I scaring you toniiiiiiigght? Tonii-iiiii-iiiight? Bum bum de dum de dum dum be bum. Bum bum be dum bum de day. Bum de DAAAY- AAAY-AAAy-AAAAAAAY!!"

We all stood up and cheered, whistling and clapping, screaming and yelling. "ADAM! ADAM! ADAM!" Bella chanted.

About, I dunno, fifteen minutes of cheering, we quieted down. "See what we mean, Bells?" I asked smugly.

"Yeah." She sounded sort of dazzled. "Not only is he HOT, he can really SING!"

Edward looked pained. "You think he's hot?" He whispered.

"Not nearly as much as this vampire I know." She flirted, tapping his nose.

"ME!?" I bellowed. "Why, shucks, Bella. I'm blushing!" Not true. "You really think I'm hotter than Adam?"

"Uh…" She trailed off before answering. "Sure, Em. Yeah, totally" She was LYING! She didn't think so at all! I could see that in her eyes.

"HEY!" I snapped, offended. "At least say I'm hotter than Ryan Seacrest."

"Okay." Bella agreed willingly this time, and I could tell she was speaking true words.

"What the squirrels, Emmett?" Eddie questioned me. "'She was speaking true words?'" He quoted me. "Whatever happened to 'she was telling the truth' or 'she wasn't lying?'"

I grinned. "That wouldn't be as much fun to think."

"ADAM WILL WIN!!"" I exclaimed joyously.

"I can't see the result." Alice admitted. "But I know that it'll be close. Suddenly she gasped. "Please don't, Em." She begged.

"I'M GOING TO CALL ADAM LAMBERT!!" I shrieked.

"WHAT!?" Bella and Eddie said in unison. Aww, how cute.

"Yup! I'm going to tell him how AWESOME he is!"

Alice sighed. "Here's his number, she said as she handed me a slip of paper. "I got it from a very reliable source."

HOLY CHIPMUNK COOTIES! I HAD ADAM LAMBERT'S PHONE NUMBER! If I wasn't a vampire, I would have hyperventilated.

I punched it into my cell phone and waited as it rang.

"Hello?" A musky voice greeted. "This is Adam, who is this?"

"I am your BIGGEST FAN, Emmett! ADAM, YOU'RE MY HERO!!! I hope you win!! I LOVE you!" With that I heard his phone drop. I waited as he picked t up again.

"Sorry." He spoke in a shrill, French lady voice. "You have the wrong number, monsieur. Good-bye!" The phone clicked.

"Ohhhh." I whined. "He thinks I have a crush on him. But I don't! I only idolize him!!"

"Yeah, only that." Bella teased. "Creeper." She whispered.

"HEY!"

She only laughed along with Eddie and Alice. Ohhhh, they were going to get it! I started to plan a prank as revenge, one for each one of them.

They will all pay.

(**AN: I was tempted to leave it there, but since you guys reviewed, I won't.**)

[at a store]

"Hello, sir." A woman came up to me. Her shirt was low cut, and she tried to show off her plastic surgery. "I was wondering if I could get you ANYTHING, do ANYTHING for you?" She pulled the front of her shirt lower. I looked away, bored. Until…

"Yes!" I exclaimed, punching the air! I had finally found all the items on my list. I had gallons of purple paint, duct tape, permanent marker, forty-two sexy posters, a pair of HUGE pink panties, a plastic banana, and a mango.

I approached the cash register. "Your total comes to $107.93" Susie, the plastic cashier informed me. I gave her two hundred.

"Buy yourself a turtleneck." I ordered. "And some toothpaste."

She gave a weak growl as I left. "You totally are NOT worth my time!" She yelled after me.

I shook my head as I walked home; I had no car. I was so thankful for my Rosalie. Thank goodness Rose didn't act like that woman! My beautiful Rose…I smirked. She could help me with my revenge! Oh yeah, baby!

I was so excited that I tripped over a rock. And I swear, that rock was NOT there two seconds ago! Ugh. I almost lost the underwear when I tripped. Not good. Stupid rock. I kicked it, and it landed through a window. A siren went off.

"Beavers-build-a-dam!" I moaned. Then I RAN away, at full vampire speed. Carlisle won' be happy. I checked to make sure I still had the underwear. Eddie won't be too happy either. I grinned. Revenge, ah sweet revenge.

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**What is Emmett up to!? Even I don't know! I guess we'll find out together in the next chapter, won't we? Won't we? AHH! Disturbia is stuck in my head! Great song, by the way. ADAM WILL WIN!! But that's just my awesome opinion.**

**If anyone has blond jokes, please share. 'Cause Jacob is coming up in very later chapters. And although he isn't a wolf yet, he still doesn't like Rosalie. THANKS FOR READING! Please review! J Have a happy Easter if you celebrate it!**


	5. A Mother Knows

**I love all my reviewers, though I have few. If you're looking for a good fanfic to read, Katmom has written Guarding Edward. It's fabulous! Go and read it sometime, maybe after you review my story. *hint, hint, cough, cough* Reviews inspire chapters. :)**

**Disclaimer: You know the drill. I don't own the Twilightness, the songs I use, or the Food Network. Any other thing I use, I don't own either. *sighs* How depressing. Oh well. :) Laffy Taffy is yummy, but I don't own it.....yet. *laughs evilly*  
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Chapter 5- A Mother Knows

EmPOV

I paused at the front door of our house, panting. I pretended to wipe sweat from my brow. I waltzed through through the front door, slamming it behind me. "Don't slam the door, please." Esme called to me from the kitchen. "And can you come in here for a second, Emmett, sweetie?"

"Yup." I answered, distracted by my plans as I walked into the kitchen. Esme was watching the Food Network again. She was trying to make some chocolate cake thing named after dying. I honestly don't know what is WRONG with humans. No one- not even BELLA -can die by eating a piece if cake. Jeez. What a stupid name, Death by Chocolate.

"So, uh, which human are you baking for?" I asked her.

"I'm just practicing." She said, staring intently at the television screen. The man held up some food tool while demonstrating how to use it. It looked funny because the guy was all professional and stuff, and so he used it differently than Esme does. "What trouble did you get into today, Emmett?" Esme questioned me halfheartedly. Usually, she eyes me with daggers and forces the truth out of me. Now, she was completely preoccupied.

"Um..." I decided to have some fun with it. So I started talking at a speed that would make Alice's head spin. "I went to the moon with some evil bunny ninjas. Then I stole candy from a little girl, who decided to throw a rock at my forehead. Then I walked around in a pink miniskirt through the mall. I drank a poodle's blood, and the old lady that owned her whacked me with her purse."

"Good for you, Emmett." My mother simply said, her eyes glued to the tv.

"AND I totally kicked Mike Newton's tricycle. Jessica Stanley also tried to spread peanut butter on my brand new green dress. The nerve!"

"Shh, honey, please." She gestured towards the telly frantically. "I'm trying to learn."

"Hmph." I grumbled as I stomped out of the kitchen.

"And you'll pay for that window you broke, mister." Esme warned, her eyes never leaving the television screen. WHAT?! HOW did she KNOW!? I DIDN'T TELL HER ANYTHING! Could she read minds, too?

"It's a mother thing." She answered my unspoken question. "It's like a sixth sense that all mothers have. Stop giving me THAT finger. I do not permit such language."

Her eyes were completely focused on the screen. She didn't even GLANCE toward me, for Pete's sake! "Fine." I grumbled, pulling it down. Then I dashed up into my room, remembering to not slam it. I dumped my backpack and its contents onto my bed. I stood over the pile, grinning. I picked the fake banana up in my hand, careful not to break it. I gave it a squeeze, and it cried out, "Corn dog!" I was sad that my plan didn't include the banana today.

I took all forty-two posters of women posing while eating a cheeseburger- they looked hot -and hung them all in the hallway leading to Eddie's room. When I got to his door, I placed the mango in front of it. Next, I tip-toed into Alice's room, careful not to touch anything. I spoke out loud, knowing she would See, "Alice, please don't be angry. If you help me with my plan, you can give Bella makeovers for a week, I promise." And I knew exactly how to do that too. I paused, waiting for a sign. "Oh." I realized out loud. "Duh. She can't send me a sign." I felt stupid. I dragged a chair from Alice's desk to the middle of the room. I dropped the duct tape and Sharpie by it. Now, what else is part of my plan?

"Emmett," Esme called up, ruining my brainstorming. "what on EARTH are you doing? Alice isn't home, yet you're trying to talk to her. You're going in Edward's room, and you just came home from the grocery store. What are you up to, young man?"

"Uh..." I searched for an excuse but came short. "I, you see, well, uh, um...I have a perfect explanation for this. Which I..." Need to come up with. I thought for a half-second before inspiration came. "I'm throwing a party for Bella."

"A party?" Esme questioned, utterly confused. It was the middle of summer, after all, nowhere near her birthday. "Yeah. A Happy...Human Party?"

"Oh. Well, then, I'll bake the cake! I hope she likes Death by Chocolate."

"YOU WANT TO KILL HER, ESME!?" I bellowed, unable to believe my ears. Here was my sweet mother, trying to kill the fragile human we all loved. I was about to majorly prank her, but it didn't mean I wanted her dead. How COULD Esme THINK such a horrid thought? I didn't understand my mother's suddenly violent change.

"No, Emmett." She sighed patiently. "It's just a NAME. No one will DIE from it, sweetheart. Like Laffy Taffy. It doesn't make you laugh, now, does it?"

"No." I admitted, confused. What was her point?

"And does a flapjack mean a Jack is flapping?"

"A WHAT NOW?" WHAT the FLUFFY SQUIRRELS was a FLAPJACK!

"A pancake, sweetie." Esme tried to explain to me. Yet it confused me further.

"Humans eat a cake made from a pan?"

"No. It's like Laffy Taffy, Emmett."

Huh? "Eating a pan does NOT make me laugh, Esme." I told her solemnly. I was worried for her mental health. When was the last time I laughed from eating pans? It tastes like a rusty chunk of, well, metal.

"Exactly!" She exclaimed, as if I had an epiphany. What the inking squids was she talking about?"Whatever." I grumbled, tired of this very weird topic and determined to get back to my revenge.

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Alice POV

I gasped, seeing a vision, as my eyes clouded over. When I saw Emmett say my name, I blocked my thoughts from Edward. I mentally sung Trainwreck by Demi Lovato in Japanese. Edward raised his eyebrows, but I was too lost in my vision to see it.

Emmett called my name and waited. I saw glimpses of his plan of revenge. Edward screaming like a little girl. Bella with chocolate all over her face. Me with...what the tadpoles? I would NEVER wear those shoes with a dress like that! The colors totally clashed! Suddenly my vision changed, and my new one had a better pair of Jimmy Choo heels. **(AN: His name is Jimmy, right?)** I sighed in relief, but I wondered about my purse. It was so last yesterday.

Emmett said my name, pulling me out of my fashion obsession. I Saw his intentions of embarrassing Bella and how exactly he planned to do so.

I almost laughed out loud. But my mind needed to stay guarded; I was now translating the Cha Cha Slide into French. Now that Edward the Pest couldn't get into my head, I paid more attention. Bella would have a Sharpie mustache?! That would force her to let me do her make-up. Hmm, Emmett knew how to get my cooperation. I chuckled silently as I Saw Emmett's next plan.

I smirked, wondering how dear old Edward would live this down and how long it would take for Bella's cheeks to return to their normal color.

Edward coughed loudly behind me. I spun around to face him, and face stretched into a grin. I erupted into giggles. He looked angry and curious as I shouted the Ten Commandments backwards inside my head. Then, as he protested my blocking him out, I thought of fashion. I thought of how amazing Bella would look in the navy dress I was designing. Then I imagined her protesting the sexy underwear I would give her to wear underneath.

Edward's face clouded over with undeniable lust. His eyes darkened just a tad.

"Alice." He growled. "Please stop this." I smirked as I continued thinking of Bella in only her lacy undergarments, blue of course.

Edward groaned. He grabbed Bella's face and pressed his lips to hers. He gripped her waist tightly. I hear her gasp as his tongue traced her bottom lip. His nose skimmed her brown hair that fell on her collarbone. She shivered as he inhaled her scent.

Edward suddenly and fiercely shoved her away. "I. Need. To. Hunt." He gasped, already rushing outside. Bella stood there, wide-eyed and breathing heavily. She was incredibly flushed and her hand was pressed against her pounding heart.

"Hey, Bella!" I called out in a chirping voice. "Want to hang out at our house while we wait for your little sweety-poo?"

She blushed but smiled at the nickname I used for Edward. "Hoping to see YOUR sweety-poo, you devious pixie?"

I would have killed her- not literally -for calling me a pixie. Any other day I would have. But her mention of my Jasper, my husky general, who was on a hunting trip with Carlisle, made my heart ache. I longed for my Southern gentleman. I loved and craved his accented voice, telling me such tender words.

Bella gasped. "Oh, Alice, I'm sorry!" She threw her arms around my neck. "I totally forgot. I really am sorry. I'll do anything if you'll forgive me."

"Anything?" I questioned, sniffing.

Bella's eyes tightened. "Anything." She sighed in defeat.

"Then," I proposed, "we should go shopping after I doll you up! COME ON, BELLS, WE'VE GOT WORK TO DO!" I grabbed her wrist, grinning. Right now, Emmett was the best sibling ever. I already had two promises from her. And his plan wasn't even in phase two! I smirked as I hopped in my baby Porsche.

I blasted the stereo, and I saw Bella fidget, nervous at her coming makeover. I sung along to the music. Okay, screamed. I admit it. "SHE'S GOT EVERYTHING THAT I DESIRE! SETS THE SUMMER SUN ON FIRE! I WANT CANDY! I WANT CANDY! I WANT CANDY! I WANT CANDY! I WANT CANDY!"

Bella seemed surprised at the song. "Aaron Carter, Alice?" Her tone questioned my sanity.

"Yes." I defended. "He was my idol back in the nineties. Along with Baby Spice."

Her name made me want to sing her song, so I did. "IF YOU WANNA BE MY LOVER, YOU GOTTA GET WITH MY FRIENDS! IF-"

"ALICE!" Bella shrieked. "You just blew past three stops signs!"

I rolled my eyes. "Oh, Bella, Bella." I just sighed. "When will this girl learn?" I muttered.

As I pulled up to the drive, I saw Bella biting her thumb. "DON'T YOU DARE BITE YOUR NAILS!!" I commanded. She jumped in shock. "How will I paint your nails then?" I asked her quietly. She groaned but took her hand away from her mouth.

When I opened the front door for her, Emmett popped out of nowhere, wearing a Jason mask. "Aah!" Bella exclaimed before passing out.  
Emmett and I exchanged grins. Perfect.

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**So sorry, you guys! I have testing and school, so I was and will be busy. I even wrote this last week, but I deleted it on accident. Oops. So I threw in Alice's POV. It would've been just Emmett, but I decided I owed you a longer chapter than just him. I'll update when I can. I love you guys. Review, and you'll make my day! :) -Belmo  
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	6. Pixie Purple

**I know, I'm so bad! But I warned you about testing. And I really haven't felt like writing; my friend is being all meanish. So, sorry you guys. This chapter is short and not that funny, I know. I thought that this would be better than nothing. I've also tried writing new stories, and I'll be putting them up. Anybody who reads them is awesome! I'd like to thank my reviewers- I love you guys!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or Prada. If I did own them, I'd be filthy rich. But I'm not. **

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Chapter 6- Pixie Purple

EmPov

I smirked at Alice as she picked up the unconscious human. We ran upstairs giggling. Alice used the duct tape and taped her to the chair.

"Wha-?" Bella started to stir.

"Where were you on the day of yester?" I demanded. She blinked.

"I'm, um, not sure?" It sounded like a question. "You should be afraid, very afraid." Alice warned.

"What are you doing?" She was always the practical one. "REVENGE!" I screamed. "REVENGE ON EDWARD!" She stared at me like I was a mutant frog with wings living on the planet Pluto, which isn't really a planet anymore. So, I guess it'd be on a- what was it now called? -a dwarf planet. That's bull. PLUTO IS SO A PLANET! Who on EARTH decided otherwise?! I bet the Plutonians think Pluto is a planet! Man, who the flying lemurs did scientists think they are? Who doesn't love the PLANET Pluto!? GRRR!

"Uh, Earth to, Emmy?" Bella called. "Alice? ANYONE?" I snapped out of my little rant, noticing that Alice was in a vision. I acted quickly.

I grabbed the can of purple paint. And I dumped it on Alice!! She gasped, trying to get the paint out of her eyes. "Here," I said, handing her a large towel to wipe with. She rubbed her face for a split second. Then she chucked the giant underwear across the room. "EMMETT!!!!" Alice screamed, oh man she screamed. Bella flinched, and even I winced slightly. "%!# YOU, EMMETT!! $!# YOU!!" I heard Esme gasp from downstairs as Alice, sweet, dear Alice, continued to drop the f-bomb.

"Alice!" Esme scolded, coming to the door. "Is that how I taught you to...why are you purple?" She picked up the empty paint can and read the label. "Pixie Purple. Permanent?!" She shrieked. "#!% YOU EMMETT!! THAT WAS MY FAVORITE RUG!!" My jaw dropped. Did Esme just say, no, she couldn't have. But she did say it!

"Oooooooooo, Esmeeeeeeee," I said in a sing-song tone. "You said a naughty woooooorrrrrrd." She looked embarrassed, and if she was human, she would have blushed. She whacked my head playfully.

"Don't patronize your mother, young man." She laughed a twinkling laugh and obviously wasn't mad at me anymore. Whew.  
I laughed giddily with relief. I laughed so hard that I accidently knocked over a vase. It crashed to the floor, and everyone besides Alice gasped. Esme looked at me, ire in her usually mild eyes. I gulped and ran. I was so dead meat!

AAAAAAAUGHHH!!! I screamed in my head. Esme is SO mad! I stopped in the forest I was in. I did not want to face her wrath. She's going to kill me!

I heard a sigh from behind me. "Emmett," Edward said wearily, "you're a VAMPIRE; you're already dead." Whoa. I am. Duh. Deja vu. Whoa- I'm having deja vu having deja vu! Edward groaned.

He was really starting to make me angry. Maybe I should have dumped the paint on Bella instead. Then again, how often can you outsmart a physic? "You tied Bella up to a chair?" Edward whispered quietly. "Um..." I was hesitant to answer that. "Maybe...?" Edward suddenly flew through the air, knocking me to the ground. He growled as I remembered scaring her with my mask. "It was a joke." I rushed to explain. I was going to prank her, but I decided against it. I got Alice instead, and now Esme AND Alice are going to both tear me apart!" I replayed the events in my mind for him. He listened in silence.

He whistled at Esme's furious expression. "That was her mother's blue vase." He told me, shaking his head at me. He offered his hand to help me up to my feet, and I took it.

"WHAT? OH NO, I'M DOOMED!" I cried out in horror.

"Yes." He agreed. "Yes you are."

I moaned in defeat. "Alice is planning on taking me shopping?" I asked in dread of his answer.

"Of course she is."

I shuddered. I was deathly afraid of that girl. She was pure evil genius. She could give Aro the chills, I bet. Just mention shopping, and BAM- you're afraid. Unless stupid Jasper makes you excited for it.

How is it that even though I'm the strongest and Edward is the fastest, sitting in a corner, Jasper can still make me be jealous of him? It wasn't fair. Stupid emotion-controlling husband of a pixie. And a crazy, shopaholic, trumpet-hating pixie at that. Edward snorted. "We should go back to the house. Esme is worried about you, and she isn't mad anymore. But Alice..." I sighed. "Yeah, Alice is Alice." He nodded in agreement.  
I trudged forward at human pace, and Edward walked with me. He understood that I was in no hurry to get back to Alice.

"So-" I began, but Edward answered the question I had been wondering in my head for ten minutes.

"I was hunting in the forest." Didn't Edward just hunt yesterday? He remained silent. Why would he need to hunt again? I mean, Alice hasn't hunted for three days, and yet...Oh! He was with Bella. But I thought it was easier or him now. Hmm. She must have been really close if he had to hunt again. Really close. Maybe they were having some very deep and long kissing...all alone...in an empty house...with two teenagers.

"Ah." I spoke in understanding. "You had complications about a situation. It's okay. Vampires can have hormones too." I laughed.  
Edward was silent. Wait, was I right? I was only teasing. Were he and Bella THAT close?

"No, Emmett." Edward finally said. "We didn't do anything. Alice was just thinking some very...revealing...thoughts about Bella."

I whistled. "And that set you off? Man, you've got it bad."

Edward sighed. "I know. And Alice knows. I'm sure she's going to use it to her advantage, too."

"Advantage, how?" I was a bit confused. "She might, well, think of some images that I would really need to try to avoid. She'd only stop if I agree to something. Like shopping." He shivered.

"Wait, you'd want her to stop?" That was the part that really confused me.

"Of course. I'd lose control with Bella otherwise. Earlier, I wanted to hold her so tight- so tight it would have killed her. I can't lose control."  
Oh, I understood now. He was just being careful and cautious because she was human. He can break her or kill her by accident. So, he's being safe. "Now," Edward began a new topic. "Why did you paint Alice purple?"

I gulped at the reminder. "She said I can't use a car, curse words, or listen to my Beyonce music! It was revenge!"

"Revenge is a dish best served cold." Edward quoted. I nodded. "I'll agree when Alice has her way with me. But then, I'll get revenge again! Mwahahahahahaha!"

"WHAT was THAT?" Edward stared at me incredulously.

"My evil laugh. I've been working on it. Is it any good?"

"Uh, yeah. It really is very good." He admitted. I stopped walking, and Edward crashed into me. "What are you-"

"Alice." I whispered in a trembling voice. We were home. "Yes?" A bell like voice called out. She danced out the front door, smirking.

"Oh, SHIZZLE PUFFS!" I exclaimed as I saw what she was holding in each hand. My knees shook in terror.

She held a machine gun and pointed it at my teddy bear.

"Don't do it." I whispered, my throat dry.

"Oh, I will." Alice assured me, grinning.

"PLEASE!" I begged, getting down on my knees. "DON'T HURT MR. SCRIBBLES!"

"You should have thought of that before you dumped paint all over me and my new Prada shoes." Her finger started to pull the lever.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" I yelled, and it was like we moved in slow motion. I dove, just as the lever clicked. I grabbed Mr. Scribbles and yanked him out of the way as she fired at him.

Luckily, she missed because I had him safe in my arms. Not so luckily, she now aimed it at me.  
"Drop. The. Bear." She ordered.

"Nope." "Three. Two. One." She counted down slowly. Then she shot at me. "Aah, ah, aah!" I yelped, laughing. "S-stop! Aaugh, it tickles! Ah, auh! Oh, please stop-p it!" I would be crying if possible.

"Edward," I giggled. "RUN!" I handed him my teddy as he began to run off.

"I wouldn't do that, Edward." Alice called. "I still have Bella tied up you know." I heard his footsteps cease as Alice stopped firing. He quickly came back, stopping just in front of Alice.

"Don't. You. Dare." He whipped out between gnashed teeth.

"I will. Just cooperate for an hour or two. And no harm will come to her, or your hormones." She was obviously thinking about something because Edward shivered, and he seemed dazzled. "W-what do you need me for?" He stuttered. He stuttered?! What was Alice thinking of?? I was deeply curious.

"I need you to," She dropped her voice to a whisper, even though I could still hear. "help me get revenge on Emmett." Uh oh. She had Edward on her side. Not fair! He smiled sadly at me.

"Alice," He said slowly. "we need a wood chipper."

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**Hey you guys. Like it? Love it? Hate it? Let me know!**

**Anybody who is an awesome triangle and not a square should review. Because your reviews rock my neon, mismatching socks! **

**I actually do have a teddy bear named Mr. Scribbles. My friend made him for me- yeah MADE him! I love him, and he is awesome. Anybody else got a teddy bear? You know you do.  
**

**P.S. If anybody has a funny blond joke JUST TELL ME! Please. I'm desperate. I need this. I can't add Jacob to the story until you guysd give me something. So I'm running out of stalling ideas. There's only so many ideas I can come up with. (Sadly.) So PLEASE, people! Help me, and I'll mention your name on the chapter after you send me it. PM me or leave a review.**

**Thanks. Love you all!**

**-Belmo  
**


	7. Esme The Walrus or Bus 22

**Hello everybody! Guess what? I have Floam! It's pink and squishy...*giggles* Oh so much fun. Sorry for taking so long. I had the WORST writer's block EVER!! EVER!!!**

Disclaimer: Sheesh, people! Understand already- if I owned anything, I'd be filthy rich! If I did own anything, I most certainly wouldn't have to do this every chapter. Grr. Sorry, I'm annoyed. On with the story!

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Chapter 8- Esme the Walrus... or Bus 22

_Esme Pov_

I was doodling idly on a piece of paper. I really should have been checking on the children, who were suspiciously quiet. Well, besides Emmett who had ran off screaming like a little girl. But I was waiting for my cake to be done baking. So I sat at the kitchen table, scribbling hearts as I listened to my Ipod.

Annie by Safetysuit came on, and I squealed. I loved this song! I sang along excitedly. "There was a girl named Annie. She had a very pretty face, but not the way you would think so. Let me see if I can try to explain it. She has a smile that can light up a room. And when she moved, it'll be moving you. But it wasn't like a magazine. She was just Plain Jane, and her name was Annie." I absolutely adored this song!

I accidentally hit the skip button, and the song shuffled to a different one.

"HEY HEY YOU YOU I DON'T LIKE YOUR GIRLFRIEND! HEY HEY YOU YOU! I WANNA BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND!" It screamed at me, and I quickly skipped the song.

Next was Don't Cha. "Don't cha wish your girlfriend was HOT like me? Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a FREAK like me? Don't cha? Don't cha wish your girlfriend was HOT like me? Don't cha wish your girlfriend was WRONG like me? Don't cha?" I shuddered at the sound of it. I did NOT have a girlfriend, and I did not want to listen to that song. I was happily married to Carlisle, thank you very much.

"I kissed a girl, yeah I did. The taste of her cherry chap stick. It felt so right, it felt so wrong." I quickly changed songs again. I did not recall adding that song to my Ipod at ALL. Well, maybe I _did_ like the tune. Okay, I LOVED that song. But no one could ever know; they would think I liked modern music.

"If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends. Making love forever. Friendship never ends." I sung along with the Spice Girls excitedly. "I'll tell ya what I want, what I really really want. So tell ma what ya want, what you really really want. I wanna, I wanna-"

DING! The oven beeped, and I jumped. Silly Esme, I scolded myself. How does a vampire get caught off guard? I guess when listening to Spice Girls.

I pulled the cake out of the oven, enjoying the heat of the pan on my hands. I sighed at the feeling. But then I frowned.

THE CAKE WAS BURNT!! I couldn't believe this. After all that time waiting, it was burnt! AAAAAGH!! This was painful, even more so than the day Hannah Montana came out. **(Burn, Hannah. Or is it Miley? Hmm...)** I threw it at the wall, screaming furiously. WHY was it &%$ burnt!? WHY??? Now, I had no cake to give to Bella at her Human Party. Am man!! Why, WHHYYYYYYYYYYyyyyy!??! I was FURIOUS!! WHY COULDN'T I COOK?

Jasper snapped his fingers infront of my face. "Esme, ESME??" He shouted, concerned. I blinked. How long had he been there? He placed a gentle hand on my shoulder,and I felt relaxed.

His face softened. "Are you alright?" His Texan accent was thick with worry, and I smiled.

"Of course I am." I said, ruffling his mop of hair. "Thank you, Jasper. It is such a relief that we have you." He ducked his head, embarrassed.

"Thanks, Mom." He mumbled in a tone very humbled. Hey that totally rhymed! Awesome! Jasper stared at me, obviously confused at my sudden excitement. I was confused at his confusion, and that seemed to make him more confused, making me more confused. That made him more confused, which confused me, which confused him, and we were both VERY confused.

"What?" I asked, very lost.

"I don't know." He said in a dazed voice. "My head is spinning."

I chuckled. "Mine, too, Jasper. Mine too." We stood there for an awkward moment. "So, uh, what do you want to do now?" I asked him. I needed something fun to take my mind off of my latest disappointment.

He pondered it for a few seconds. Then his whole face lit up, and I could almost see the light bulb above his head. I beamed, knowing exactly what was about to happen, though I'm no Alice.

"DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION!!" We cried at the same time. We dashed to my car, a cheap little Mustang. I sped to the arcade, driving much faster than then the speed limit. When we got there, the ticket booth manager was dancing and singing to a song.

"Her yellow SUV is now the enemy. Looks at her average life, and nothing has been alright. Since the Sweet Street, Madonna, way before Nirvanna, there was U2, and Blondie, and music still on MTV. Her two kids in high school, they tell her that she's uncool. 'Cause she still preoccupied. With nineteen- ninteen eighty-five. She's seen all the classics; she knows every line. Princess looks pretty in pink-" He flipped his long hair, trying to imitate a girl, and we both laughed.

He whirled, embarrassed and blinked in surprise. His jaw dropped open, and he stuttered.

"H-here is y-y-your t-t-icket-t, Mrs. Cullen and Mister Cullen." His shaking fingers handed us our ticket. I squealed, and the man gasped. He looked like he had seen the ghost of Santa Claus. His mouth was gaping like a fish under polluted water, being strangled by a plastic soda holder, and trying to can can at the same time. Jasper chuckled as we sprinted to the machine.

"Pick your song." The machine told us. Jasper hopped on the machine next to me. So it was a battle, was it?

"You have chosen Teardrops on my Guitar." The machine informed us. Jasper and I exchanged bewildered glances. We hadn't touched the thing!

Suddenly a song started blaring, and notes poured into the screen. Jasper and I rushed to catch up with the movements. But the song wasn't the one it told us. It was Big Girls Don't Cry by Fergie. The slow song contrasted very greatly with the rate the steps were flying up the screen. I was so confused. I think that messed Jasper up because he suddenly missed four of the steps.

I laughed, but then frowned. How come I was missing so many notes? This game was so confusing some times, I swear! Why was this so hard all of a sudden? I could only hit about three percent of my steps! Why? I looked down at my feet. They were in perfect sync with the steps on the screen, but it only said I got one of the moves.

"AAUGH!" I moaned. Why couldn't any electronic appliance work with me?

"Face it, Esme," Jasper smirked as he talked smack to me. "You're just a walrus on the machine!"

"I think your mouth is overloading your butt!" He yelled. **(AN: Means you can't walk the walk.) **

I gasped. "Not in your dreams!!" I shouted, trying harder. Yet, the notes always said that I missed them. BULL!

The song was over, and Jasper hopped off the machine at the same time I did. "You LOSE!" It informed me, as if I hadn't known that. "You WIN!!" It told Jasper. That made me a bit upset and a tiny bit jealous. Okay, a lot jealous. He chuckled, sensing my envy.

We pretended to be tired as the next people went on the machines. It didn't work for them either.

"Well, that was water off a duck's back!" **(AN: Easy)**

"What happened?" I panted. Jasper smiled knowingly.

"I'm not telling." His eyes were smug. Mine were angry.

"Jasper, you tell me RIGHT now, young man!" He gulped.

"I, uh, had the machines hacked into. The teenager was very helpful when fifty dollars was involved."

I was seeing red, and he knew that. He took a step back. "Where is he??" I demanded.

"I don't know!" He whispered. "But I can call him!"

"Do that."

**

* * *

**

_Jazz's Pov_

Oh, crud. Crud. CRUD. I hoped I still had his number. Her steely voice sent shivers down my spine. I whipped out my cell phone and checked my previous calls. There! Aha!

I quickly hit the redial button, and it began to ring. Music played as it rang, and I laughed.

"I must confess my loneliness is killing me now. And you know I still believe! Hit me, baby, one more time!"

"Hello?" His gruff voice sent my laughter over the edge. He growled. "Embry? Quit it. I'm expecting a call from some dude today. He was all like blond and beautiful. No! That's not what I meant." He rushed to explain as I laughed even harder. "He looked like he never worked a day in his life, a pretty boy. And he also looked like he was smelling something really awful." I snorted. Yeah, I had: him.

"I'm interested that you hold me in such high regards." I finally spoke, and his babbling froze.

"Mr. Cullen?" His voice was shaking. "I am SO sorry! I would never talk about you like that except to my friend, Embry. It's all a big misunderstanding, sir!"

"No," I told him, my voice hard, "I am not going to have someone mock me like that." His end of the line was silent for a moment. I idly wondered if he had passed out from fear. That would be _AWESOME_!! "You are a slimy, smelly, stupid, DOG!" I yelled at him.

He was quiet before bursting out angrily. "Oh yeah? What does a blond do when the blond missed the 44 bus?" he didn't give me time to respond. "He took the 22 bus twice!!" He exclaimed, screaming. "BURN BLONDIE!! _BURN_ IN ANTARCTICA!!"

I burst out laughing. Laughing so hard I couldn't see. "You MORON!! ANTARCTICA IS MADE OF ICE!!" He was speechless, and I kept laughing at him. He sounded flustered as he tried to come up with a witty comeback.

"Well, yeah, but you're a blond!"

"No duh. I didn't know that!" I exclaimed sarcastically.

"I, uh, well, yo momma knows that!" He laughed like a coyote.

"Yeah, and she's standing right here. Wanna talk to her?" I chuckled at his stuttered reply.

"I, er, no?" He paused. "Um." He obviously said the first thing that came to his mind. "Did you fart, 'cause you blow me away!" Then he gasped. I'm guessing he didn't hang out with a lot of males.

I simply hung up.

"Well?" Esme asked me, her hands on her hips. I was reminded of my terrification of her. Was that even a word? It should be.

"I, uh, need to..." Stall more. Stick with Alice's plan, Jasper. "Call Rosalie. Yeah, yeah, call Rosalie." She bought it, nodding, though she was as confused as a chicken with its head cut off.

I called Rose up and started speaking in code. "Yes, you need to deliver the sponge. The machine's broke. Yes, the walrus is here. And her ice raft. Tackfully, Rose, tacks." I smiled, knowing Esme wouldn't understand. She was somewhat annoyed. Better hurry the stalling up. "So you're coming Rose? Yep, yeah, thanks." I wondered if Esme could hear that Rose hadn't said anything during the whole conversation.

Basically, I had just said, "Rose, come down and fix the machine I broke. Esme is here, as well as her car. Bring thumbtacks to give it flat tires." All part of Alice's plan, though the conclusion of that plan, I wasn't sure.

Esme glared at me and we didn't speak until the fifteen minutes later when Rose showed up. Awkward? Oh yeah.

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**Like it? Love it? Despise it? It's okay? You NEED more? You want to throw up? Not on me!! Here's a bucket.**

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**-Belmo  
**


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